The Truth About Grief: It Doesn't Have to be Heavy

Just because it's grief doesn't mean you always have to hold it so seriously. In conversation just yesterday, a friend was sharing how after only a year, it doesn't feel as heavy. As soon as the thought left her mouth, she looked taken aback as if somehow that might mean she's not properly navigating her experience.

Your personalized grieving process will have exactly ONE common denominator with every other individual's grieving process: it makes little sense with zero rhyme or reason. It's a damn roller coaster - like Space Mountain but without the cool lights showing the next piece of the track. You're not supposed to see what's coming up around the bend!! You're meant to work through every moment exactly as it arises - to feel, experience, and embody every single emotional response that shows up to the party. There will be many of them: despair, depression, hilarity, delirium, horror, fear, complete love, anger, understanding, a newfound will. You name it, it's a part of the grief parade.

You will have some days where the thought of getting out of bed is agonizing and others you wish you had glitter-fetti cannons (that's cannons that shoot glitter confetti, for those unaccustomed to following the little Sprite inside my brain) and a baton to twirl as soon as that first ray of morning light hits your face through the curtains. This.Is.All.Normal. ALL OF IT.

You will have days where you wish to lead the world through a revolution and other days you want to curl up in the darkest corner of your darkest closet and just sleep for days. This is also normal. It's really important to listen to your body. When it feels heavy, let it feel heavy! If you feel like a wet blanket, feel like a wet blanket until the tears pour out. And then after that, when you find humor in everything, go belly-laugh until every muscle in your body hurts. It's necessary. Every last bit of it.

Tears are the lancet, laughter the salve. Gift yourself judgment-free space to navigate; the destination is the journey.

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To see more of what Holistically Yours is all about, visit my website!

Jayleen Hayden is a Reiki Master Teacher in the Usui tradition based out of the Greater Portland, Maine area.

The Truth About Grief: It's Not You, It's Them.

I've been brewing a written series about grief for quite some time now... have just been waiting for the entire idea to firm itself up and take some sort of shape. This is such a loaded topic! I will try my best to keep these posts somewhat organized, but - let's face it - it's about grief. It's bound to get a little messy!

The premise of this series is that the reality of grief and the collective grieving process looks entirely different than it's most often portrayed. Why? There aren't many people who know how to truly sit with it and experience it. There also aren't many people who actually want to talk about their own processes and stories.There's textbook grief, and there's actual grief. It's ugly and gritty, cathartic and alchemical. Had I the choice, I would never trade in my relationship with grief. It is the most beautiful, transformative process I've ever navigated. There were gut-wrenching moments to belly-laugh moments, crying like an emo kid to wanting to Care Bear-stare my love over all the lands, and so many other moments in between. And just like any other relationship in my life, I have come to know myself so intimately because of it. No matter how you spin it, that is always a gift.

So what do I know about all of this? My mom transitioned out of this life when I was eleven years old. Transitioned. That might sound like a funny word to use, but the deeper we dive into this, the more sense it will make.

That's us. We were a cute pair, no? I was a total mama's girl. She was my best friend, I'm pretty sure I was hers. I was an only child, she was a single parent - we operated as a single unit, and made it look easy. For those of you who understand only children - you know I was an absolute terror most of the time. I was also an expert hider... especially in department stores (the 80's children will understand the importance of the circular clothing racks.) 

There are a lot of gory heart-wrenching (and equally amazing) details that fill a decent size of this story but I'm going to save those for another post. Short version: I served as witness to my mother being consumed by cancer. I ran the gamut of all spectrums: rage, depression, fear, exhaustion, sugar highs, love buzzes, self-medication, non-existence, an obsession with video games, reclaiming my existence, a game of Chicken with Catholicism, and so on. It was all necessary.

If my relationship with grief was a living being, it would almost be of legal drinking age. That's a pretty decent chunk of time! Think of all the things that shifted within you from birth to twenty-one years of age. Feels like many different lifetimes all rolled into one, doesn't it? Like a trail of alternate realities that are somehow simultaneously played out on the same screen. It may not always be easy to follow but has a strange way of somehow making sense.

Ma and I are still quite the pair - we just look a little different these days (misty orb on left: Ma, fake redhead: me, strange dude: one of my besties.) Despite the different realms, she's always near. Our connection was not severed by this seeming separation. What I have come to know most is that our journey down this rabbit hole is ours alone. We are meant to experience it exactly as we feel called to. Pay no mind to interference from those around you. They just don't know what they don't know.

It's not you - it's them. Grief is a strong mirror for many people. How others react to your process is a reflection of themselves - not you. You are not obligated to assume the weight of their discomfort simply because they do not understand your healing process. Do your thing and take care of yourself in ways that feel healthy and in right relationship with yourself. Remain mindful and aware, and seek out the people who are able to support by meeting you where you're at in your current state.

We live in a world of contrast where grief adds texture. Without a little salt, the sweet wouldn't be as sweet.

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To see more of what Holistically Yours is all about, visit my website!

Jayleen Hayden is a Level III Certified Reiki Master Teacher in the Usui tradition, based out of the Greater Portland, Maine area.

I am my Favorite Place to be Lost

Is there such a thing as truly being lost? I suppose it might feel that way if you venture far enough down the rabbit hole, but what if that journey is just an adventure of discovery? What if every time you made a "wrong" turn you learned something new about yourself that wasn't even a part of your consciousness when you awoke that morning?

We've been taught to fear the unknown; the uncharted. To deeply enmesh ourselves in the comfort of the familiar and safety of the status quo. How to color within the lines while daydreaming as an escape from the confines of the pages we've been convinced we have to fill in order to live meaningfully. But... what if it didn't have to be an escape? What if our escape was our reality? If our page was the fabric on the sofa or the wallpaper in our grandmother's kitchen? A simple safety in knowing that what feels perfect and true for us really is exactly that.

The bulk of the discomfort on this Earth is resulting from old programming forcing us to believe that we need to think, feel, act, and be a certain way. That anything contrary is foolish, naive, and ungrounded. Many of us are beginning to feel anxiety surrounding our life paths. Things may feel like they're all wrong but without the ability to discern why. It's important to take the time to sit in solitude and dive deep right down that rabbit hole. Get lost. Explore every single dark corner until you know it like the back of your hand. Take this journey and create your own map to self awareness and discovery.

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I'll have the cake, please. Yep - I've plans to eat it, too.

"We are in the world to experience abundance in all areas; so whenever we recognize, name, and then appease whatever is missing in our life, we allow the universe to fill that void." - Andrew Bloomfield, How to Practice Vedic Astrology

We're mighty quick to notice what's lacking in our lives. Money, love, resources, friendships, fun, the perfect job, means to travel, that fancy motorbike from Tron. We notice these things and feel a pang - a longing. It leads to a lot of wondering about what it would be like if we had that 'thing', whatever it may be.

We see the people who have these things in their lives and wonder what they're doing differently. What sort of magic do they hold that allows them such a free exchange between their energy output and the abundance and prosperity they receive?

Simple answer: it's all in how you view your cup. None of this half empty/half full bull. Their cups are not only full - they're overflowing. This creates such a powerful channel for attraction.

So, what's the secret? What we think, becomes. Our thoughts have energy. Thinking wills things into existence... all things. So if we're thinking about how terrible our Monday is going to be, chances are it won't be a very peachy day. If we think we're going to ace that exam we have coming up, we're going to ace the exam. Where it can get a little confusing is if there are any underlying doubts. We may have the faux confidence that's bolstered by a niggling doubt in our abilities - so while we're trying to convince ourselves we're going to do well, our behind-the-scenes doubts could overpower our desire to succeed.

How do we overcome that? We remove all doubt. Train ourselves to understand that the barriers exist only in our minds. You want the motorbike? Visualize it as yours. Know in your gut that it will be a tangible existence. No more "If I had this... if I had that..." It's already yours. You just have to know how to ask for it without feeling guilty about it.

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To see more of what Holistically Yours is all about, visit my website!

Jayleen Hayden is a Level II Certified Usui Reiki Practitioner based out of the Greater Portland, Maine area.

Square Peggery

I was always... different. Born and raised an only child; a natural introvert. I was that kid who always opted to play alone during kindergarten. That five-year-old jerk that refused to stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance because I was so introverted that it pained me to partake in any activity with my peers. In fact, my favorite thing in Ms. Stork's kindergarten class was this game that I was so inventive with I can't even begin to recall any details of it, other than the family of cats that walked around in human clothing. Kind of like the Busytown books. Except it wasn't anything remotely close to Busytown, so that meant I was extra strange in the eyes of my class"mates".

Funny how that happens. If you think differently from those around you, they're so quick to make you an outcast. If you're not expanding on an idea that's not already popular with the masses, they think you're flying two sheets from the wind. Though, considering all of the kites I lost to the clouds, that's not entirely far-fetched.

In any case, my point is that we're not meant to follow others. Be your own leader. Dance to the beat of your own drum. Mine sounds like rainbows, dragons, and the Milky Way. Not your cup of tea? Good. It shouldn't be. We all have our own unique bucket of antics. Similar to a fingerprint, only more telling. Do your own stuff. And please, for the love of the universe, stop mirroring and parroting others.

You have a very unique set of gifts and talents. When you deny them, you not only deny your self-growth, you deny the rest of us a bright light on this chaotic canvas.

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To see more of what Holistically Yours is all about, visit my website!

Jayleen Hayden is a Level II Certified Usui Reiki Practitioner based out of the Greater Portland, Maine area.

Trusting the Blind Curve

Photography: Brooke Pennington | www.brookepennington.com

We all get to that point where we can no longer see the straight, ongoing trajectory of the path we've worked so hard at creating for ourselves. There it is; that epic moment of panic. That blind curve looming in front of us that elicits our finest "Oh sh*t!" reflex.

Some of us are lucky enough to experience this in the daylight, so there's at least an inkling that something is about to require our undivided attention. As for the rest of us? Well, we may as well be on that ominously winding road on the side of the mountain, in the middle of the darkest night weighted by the thickest fog, with no sign of the moon's forgiveness.

No illumination to guide us. No clarity in sight. No whispers helping us direct the wheel. We have nothing to rely on but inherent instincts. It's in this suspended moment that we're forced to trust our internal navigation. The beauty in this is, of course, cloaked by terror;  but it's exactly that which frees us. We're forced to act alone without external influences.

With our entire world muted, we have little else to consider outside our own senses. Trust the blind curve. As long as we follow our instincts, we'll never find ourselves on the wrong side of the road, even if the destination differs from our original intention.

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To see more of what Holistically Yours is all about, visit my website!

Jayleen Hayden is a Level II Certified Usui Reiki Practitioner based out of the Greater Portland, Maine area.

What about the boogeyman?

Well, what about the boogeyman? He's imaginary. Made up. A figment of our imagination. So what's the simple interpretation here? We fear imagination. 

Well then... that clears up quite a few things, doesn't it?

However we came into being, we were somehow created with this brilliant ability to imagine anything we want to. ANYthing! We were given this amazing gift and what's the first thing we do? We stomp all over it and treat it like a zombie virus. So that in turn creates this weirdly obscure fear that our visions, dreams, thoughts, wishes, and desires are pushing us one step closer to becoming Patient Zero. Nobody wants to be the origin of the zombie apocalypse, so I guess it makes sense that we pretend we don't have any imagination.

Every single one of us is our own boogeyman. The only reason we have fears is because we choose to subscribe to them, whether they originate with us or not. What we should be doing is imagining this gallant luck dragon engulfing the zombies and illuminating the shadows where all the boogeymen dwell.

At the moment, I'm willing to wager you're judging my sanity from my placing zombies, boogeymen, and luck dragons in the same instance. Just remember that logic we employ imposes limits. Heavy limits, at that. Try to feel happy and light when you're bogged down with fear as you turn every corner. It's not easily done.

Your imagination is just that - all yours. Why would you willingly sacrifice that to fear?


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To see more of what Holistically Yours is all about, visit my website!

Jayleen Hayden is a Level II Certified Usui Reiki Practitioner based out of the Greater Portland, Maine area.